Some things email has taught me

I am sharing an email (edited) I received this week that sums up the bulk of emails I receive in a year. Many of you can relate to this message. If any of it sounds unfamiliar, wait a little while. Eventually you will get a message in you inbox that explains everything. Happy reading!

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over
the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of

I no longer open a public bathroom door
without using a paper towel or have servers put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOLare sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if
I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer consume m favorite soft drink because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face… disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda
, Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the
brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician . .

Oh, by the way…..

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.


~ by IndianaDunesPoet on January 28, 2009.

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